“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.”
I never want to close myself off to finding love... in any place... with anyone.
I've searched high, low, in, out, near and far for this someday man of mine, but somehow still find myself single. Up to this point, I've placed no requirements on his height, his hair, his job, his faith or his hobbies. I've put myself "out there" in more ways than I can count, and the results, to put it mildly, have been life changing. An outsider looking in could easily say I've come up empty handed. Do I have a husband? No. Have I found love? Very much so.
I was raised Catholic, and although I fell away from practicing my faith during my college years, I always knew the Catholic Church was my home. So I eventually returned, namely due to the compassion of one amazing priest and a very short, yet very profound, confession. Regardless of whether I was sitting in church or not, over my lifetime, my faith has become so tightly woven into the fabric of my being that I am hard pressed to find any occasion where it doesn't come into play, especially dating.
We all look at life through our own unique pair of glasses. Some people take the time to pick out exactly what type of glasses they want. Others pick a spare pair of readers off the counter and hope for the best. All are subject to the weathering of our life experiences. For me, my faith emerged as the master craftsman, not only shaping and refining the lenses through which I view the world, but also building the frames that hold those windows to the world together. These glasses that I wear are bespoke in every sense of the word, because they are custom made to match my heart. No one else can copy them. No one else should try.
It's always a little funny to compare the life you thought you'd have to the one you actually live. Growing up, I always dreamed of being just like my mom, a young bride and a young mother. But as my twenties slipped by, and all of my friends marched down the aisle, I had to learn how to find happiness exactly where I was instead of hinging my happiness to a person or life event. I couldn't help, however, wondering what I was doing wrong. We have a tendency in our society (or at least in the South), to look at unmarried women as if they are not whole people. We are somehow incomplete or just treading water until we find our other half. We sometimes devalue the life of single people at large, when we should be highlighting a time in their lives when they can contribute to the world with reckless abandon. It took me quite some time to remember that pearl of wisdom, and my hope is that someday everyone will catch on.
Admittedly, I was a late bloomer when it came to joining the dating game anyway. I started out strong, but had a bad experience early on, which essentially made me terrified of guys. I spent most of my teens and early twenties collecting guy friends like other girls collect tubes of lipstick, every color, shade, height, and shape... and they were amazing. They loved me unconditionally, at a time in my life when I wasn't sure I loved myself. Eventually, they helped love me back to wholeness, and for that, I will forever treasure these special men in my life.
Once I was ready to dip a toe back into the dating pool, I knew I needed a trusted advisor. I had so much love I wanted to give, but didn't want to be blinded by the idea of love and risk not seeing the real person. I had witnessed that before. I turned back to God. After all, I had been praying for my future husband since the ripe old age of 5. What could it hurt to be a touch more specific? "Make it abundantly clear to me whether this is the right guy for me," I prayed before going on dates. "And if he's not, but I think he is, yank him out of my life." Well, I asked, and God answered. I'm talking shocking clarity. No turning back decisiveness. Simply non-negotiable.
So, now I had the clarity for when I knew a relationship wasn't right, and the peace of mind for when the guys knew the relationship wasn't right, but I still couldn't understand what on earth God was waiting for. Did He go out for a smoke break and forget about me? I started looking for an explanation.
My first thought was patience. Yes, God must be trying to teach me patience! My mom had been campaigning for me to get a hold of some for decades. I decided to be very careful with my wording on this one. I started praying, "Lord, thank you for all of my patience." After all, they say if you ask God for patience, He gives you more opportunities to practice patience, and I certainly wanted to sidestep that little manhole. In all seriousness, that prayer did improve my patience. It did not, however, yield me a husband.
When it comes down to it, I wholeheartedly believe God's got my back on this husband thing. He has a plan that will come together in His perfect timing and I trust that, one day, I will be stunned by its beauty. But why does God put a tremendous desire in my heart, and the hearts of countless other singletons out there to be a spouse and parent, only to make us wait? What do we do in the meantime? The short answer seems to be, we bloom where we are planted. We ask ourselves where we can do better. How can we prepare ourselves to be the best man or woman for theses spouses we are hoping and praying for? How can we use the ache that pierces our hearts to do some real good in our world? I suspect that instead of looking at this time as a period of waiting, we are meant to look at this as a time as an opportunity for creating. We are called to act on the ideas God has put in our minds and hearts. I'm talking about those small nudges we feel in our gut, urging us to do something, anything, we have been avoiding. Chances are, you already know what those things are. They are the ideas that get as far as your to do list, and, in some cases, have been transcribed hundreds, if not thousands, of times. They are shockingly small and huge at the same time, but you can't shake them, and most of the time you don't want to. You just need some courage to get started. Have faith that something good will happen if you act on them. We don't need to understand. We just need to trust our inner voice (or as I like to think, the whisper of God) and be brave.
What I have learned from this dating experience is, sometimes, we do need to be picky. What I now know with certainty, is that I need my future husband to travel on this journey of faith with me. It's not enough for someone to respect my beliefs. They need to share them. I don't want to do it alone anymore. It's too important. I want someone to stretch me, push me, learn with me, and most importantly, pray with me. I know I will ask so very much of my husband, because I feel God is asking so very much of me. We need to be in the boat together, encouraging each other, and paddling in the same direction. When one of us gets tired and feels like we simply can't go any further, the other is there to pick up the slack until you gain your strength back. I believe that is the essence of why we need each other in the first place.
It's time to do something radical. It's time to do what I've asked you to do. It's time to move the words from my head and my heart to a piece of paper (or I guess a digital device) and free up some space for some new ideas. The problem with getting started is that we often operate under the impression that we need to be good at this thing we feel called to do, but it turns out, we just have to act. Just show up and do our best. What's the point of God planting these thoughts in you, if you never share them anyways? I've decided to hand over my pen to the Holy Spirit to see what He can do, and maybe, just maybe, if I put my heart out there for the world to see, that amazing husband of mine will find me.