“What is truly meant for us, won’t pass us by.”
Last weekend, a friend and I decided to meet for an impromptu dinner. Luckily, we met early enough to spare us from the dreaded lack-o-reservation situation one can run into on a Saturday night come dinnertime.
As we started chatting a million miles a minute about anything and everything, we realized a shocking number of two top tables in a restaurant that usually has larger communal-style dining. Oh yeah... the Saturday before Valentine's. Ugh. We both forgot about that.
Well, I don't know if it was the surroundings, the holiday, or my friend's new job (that shifted her from therapist to manager), but our regular post mortem update on all things guy related seemed a touch more pointed this time. We reviewed my last date to which I casually said, "Naw, he's not right for me," (a phrase that has been uttered more than a few hundred times in our long friendship), but this time, she didn't want to let it ride.
As a side note, this particular friend is a keeper. We have known each other for decades, have shared countless stories, but most importantly, I have always trusted her intentions. In a friendship, I can't think of any quality of greater value. She asks questions and digs deeper with a spirit of helping never wounding. What I'm trying to say is, I can take whatever she dishes out. I would be hard pressed to imagine any scenario where she could offend me.
However, she simply didn't understand why I was so certain this man was not for me when, admittedly, I found him to be extremely kind and a pleasure to dine with. "Why? What is it about him you disliked? What are you looking for? Have you given it enough time?"
I started to say, "I always thought I would just know when he was right." By the way, this is where explanations always get hairy. I think people think you think the way they think, but in truth, we are all driven by different factors. We grow up in our own bubble of perspective, shaped by our experiences and we incorrectly assume our friends' bubbles feel like ours. We incorrectly believe our friends make decisions the same way we do and that they want the same things we want, all of which is total rubbish.
I've never been in the mind or heart of one of my friends before they said, "I do." I don't know if they feel what I need to feel before taking that step or if they feel something completely different. With so many different personality combinations, I highly doubt the traits we need in our prospective partners are even close to being the same.
"Who has a relationship you look up to?" she bounced back. I rattled three couples off the top of my head. "Did any of those couples "just know" like you say?" Funny enough, one couple did, half of another couple knew, and third couple's backstory was a mystery to me. So, worst case scenario we are at fifty-fifty. Not bad odds in my book, but the peppering of questions continued.
I think she was concerned I was missing something. But in my life, my first priority is to be authentic to myself. The rest will work itself out. On personality tests, I'm the queen of feeling. Intuition is how I navigate. She inquired about my guy friends and if I would date any of them. "I go on dates with new guys to see what they are about and get a read on them." I said. "I already know what my friends are about and if I am supposed to be with any of those friends, God will change my heart when the time is right." I concluded.
What I wanted to shout, but felt silly doing in the middle of a Midtown restaurant was, "I already know him!" This man has lived in my heart all of my life. He has been with me when no one else could reach me. I may not be able to hold a conversation with him and I don't even know who or where he is, but he is still a solid part of me today. Already. Right now. My soul will recognize him. There is an inner space that only he fits in. This space is well defined, not with a certain look or job or character trait, but with his essence. Until that piece settles into place, I have to wait (which is exceedingly frustrating, of course), but I continue to believe that even waiting has purpose. He and I are both being shaped by this time apart. Naturally, I need to continue putting myself out there, but the bigger challenge is to trust, surrender, and grow in the meantime.
I tried to explain that I don't think we can miss our fate. God works with us in life. We have free will. We choose our direction and even when that direction is chosen for us, we choose how we move forward.
I always seem to go back to the heart. It is constantly steadily drumming out truth. The heart is at the center of the person, nestled in the core of the body, echoing the spirit of the being. I have no doubt God resides there on a permanent basis and that He uses our hearts to do His work. He never asks us to do something that doesn't reconcile with our heart. His requests may not always reconcile with our head, but that's a topic for another day. If He wants us to move in a certain direction, He will mold and shape our heart until that direction is what we desire.
So, for all those of us out there who are in waiting mode and are starting to doubt past decisions, ask yourself if you are being true to what your heart tells you, no matter how silly or unrealistic that voice sounds to the rest of the world. Drown out the noise and focus on the beat inside. If you listen to that, you are listening to God, and if you listen to God, you have nothing to fear.